THE RUSSIAN RHOID
The Senate Judiciary Committee is preparing to hold a hearing in the Dirksen Senate Office Building regarding the New York Times' claims of treason on Mr. Donald Trump, Jr. Mr. Trump (a.k.a., Junior) is taking his seat having arrived late for the hearing.
Senator Maladroit opens the hearing. "Mr. Trump, may we begin the hearing? Are you ready now?"
"Yes, sir. And I apologize senator for being late sir but I had to duck into the restroom to tend to a personal matter. Having read the news lately I've developed a bad case of hemorrhoids. I apologize."
"No problem. Sir, are you aware that the New York Times has reported that you have committed treason against our country?"
"Senator, I'm aware of their report but I've not had time to read it as I've been trying to help my Dad make this country great again."
"Okay, that's all fine and good. But this committee is obligated to confirm these claims being reported by the New York Times and to investigate matters that transpired at a certain meeting."
"Yes, senator, I understand. But you do mean the editors of the New York Times that's made this claim don't you?"
"Huh? Yes, well, whatever. [Clears throat] Mr. Trump, sir, have you ever been disloyal to our country? At any time?"
"No, sir, I have not."
"When you met with that good-looking Russian lawyer wouldn't you agree that the meeting constitutes disaffection for your country and makes you disloyal to the United States?"
"No sir, I would not agree with that. I've always been loyal to my country."
Senator Maladroit looks down at his paper. "Have you ever acted to aid any enemy of our country?"
"In meeting with this Russian woman did you plan to wage war against the U.S.?"
"No, senator. I would never think of it."
"Have you ever furnished the enemy with arms?"
"Sir, did you or have you ever furnished classified information to the Russian lawyer?"
"What about nuclear secrets or protocols. Did you share that with the lady?"
The senator looks at his papers. "Have you ever attempted to weaken the power of the United States to attack or resist its enemies?"
"No, sir. Never."
There's a pause. The senator says, "Just one moment, Mr. Trump."
There is silence, then the senator asks, "Then Mr. Trump, tell us. How would you describe your meeting and what was your intent in meeting with the Russian lawyer who, by the way, reportedly has connections to the Kremlin?"
"Well, senator, I went there on the supposition that I was to receive important information about some unethical and illegal wrongdoings of Hillary Clinton. To put it bluntly sir, to get some dirt for the purpose of helping my Dad get elected."
"And did you receive any?"
"No sir, not from her, I didn't. However, one of the other Russians at that meeting did give me a contact in Wiki Leaks and I was able to get some good information from them."
"I see. And who was that Russian you were referred to?"
"Well, no one in the meeting referred to him by name. He said he wanted to be referred to as "Deep Throat".
"Deep Throat?" asked the senator. "Do you mean like the Deep Throat informant in the Watergate affair?"
"Yes, sir. Just like him. With the only difference being the Russian Deep Throat works for the Russian intelligence community while the Watergate Deep Throat worked for the U.S. intelligence community. More specifically the FBI."
Senator Bungle interjects. "I don't believe that's correct, Mr. Trump."
"Oh, yes sir, it is. Deep Throat in the Watergate affair has been identified and confirmed by Woodward and Bernstein as Mr. Mark Felt, who was a disaffected Associate Director in the FBI."
"So what's your point?"
"The point, Senator Bungle, is that no one, especially a Democrat seems to have a problem with an Associate Director of the FBI acting as an informant providing information to bring down a Republican U.S. President, but they have a problem with a Russian intelligence officer providing information that helps elect a Republican President."
Senator Bungle shifts in his seat. "Mr. Trump, sir, what else did this Deep Throat tell you? And please, leave nothing out."
"Yes, senator. Well, he said they were concerned about the intentions of Hillary Clinton if she were elected president and they just wanted the American voter to know the truth about her evil ways and other shenanigans. Leaving nothing out, we were informed as everyone in the country was that she had rigged the election process in her favor against her political rival Bernie Sanders. This even before she deleted a mountain of emails that would reveal her evil designs on people of virtue in this country as well as Russia. It was also the concern of Deep Throat and other high-up Russians, that his country feared Hillary because of Bill's doings."
The senators glance at each other. Senator Bungle asks, "What do you mean 'Bill's doings'?"
"Well, from what I gathered from Deep Throat, when Hillary's husband, Bill Clinton, was president he actively participated and coordinated by phone the political campaign for Boris Yeltsin, who because of Bill's campaign expertise, ended up beating Mr. Putin in that election."
"Hmmm. Okay, well, I think we've heard enough for now. Would it please the chairman that we take a short break now?"
Senator Maladroit says, "Yes, that's a good idea. Mr. Trump, we'll resume this hearing in 15 minutes."
"Thank you, senator. I could use a break. These hemorrhoids are starting to throb. By the way, senator, if you need to use the men's room don't be surprised to find no toilet paper there. But someone left a copy of the New York Times on the counter. You can make use of that. That's what I did."
"Thank you, Mr. Trump. And you might want to see about them hemorrhoids."
"Yes, sir, I will. In fact, I have an appointment with Dr. Gruich tomorrow. I heard he's pretty good at treating hemorrhoids."
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